I Want To Give Up
by waterrain
Summary: AU All Human. Alfred Jones is 17 years old and he wants to give up, but his body and mind refuses to let him. Ivan is there for Alfred and he has no plans of ever letting him go.
1. Chapter 1

_**I Do Not Own Axis Powers Hetalia. This FanFic is in Alfred Jones view. Warning mentions of Suicide. **_

_**I Want To Give Up**_

_**By Waterrain**_

I have always been told 'You can't do anything right', 'You are hopeless', 'Useless', 'You are an idiot', and it's mainly told to me when whoever is speaking gets frustrated with me. Of course I don't let anyone know that I have other feelings beside happy ones. Everyone gets depressed every once in a while cause if they didn't then they wouldn't know the happy feelings.

Arthur Kirkland has been my boyfriend for two years, we haven't gone beyond the make-out stage, and I think that might be one of the reasons why he dumped me even though it wasn't on the list. He gave me a list of reasons why he dumped me and I haven't looked away from it. Funny thing is until he broke up with me, Arthur was always the one saying nice words to me, telling me 'I love you', and how much he cares about me.

When I told my twin Matthew about being dumped and he looked at me. Want to know the first thing he asked me? Alfred, What did you do wrong? Of course I didn't break down in front of him because I'm afraid of being made fun of for crying. So instead I laughed loudly and shook my head before commenting 'I guess I did something wrong cause Arthur broke up with me'.

Matthew looked as if he wanted to say sorry or something, but I walked away from him and locked my bedroom door because I don't anyone to say 'Sorry'. All the sorry's in the world won't fix anything.

So I'm looking at this list even though I got it memorize inside of my brain, it wasn't even handwritten, tears were rolling down my cheeks, and I was biting down hard making my lips bleed cause I didn't want any sound coming out.

**Alfred Jones,**

**You eat too much junk food, It is unhealthy and I'm sure one day you will become overweight. **

**You do not think before speaking.**

**You have no plans for a career. **

**You are not good at school work.**

**You say the word Hero too much and it is annoying.**

**You are not a good kisser.**

**I never loved you.**

**I'm tired of dealing with you, Alfred Jones.**

The list went on and on basically everything is my fault. I was hiccupping, blood running down my lips, I felt as if my heart had been ripped out while I was awake, and my fingernails were biting into my arms as I hugged myself. Tears rolling down and I was thinking on how it would be better if I never existed for then I wouldn't have to go through such heartache.

My door was suddenly busted down and I saw the person that did it was Ivan. I guess my twin decided to call up Ivan to break down my door.

"Just leave me alone! I just went to be left alone and everything is my damn fault. I eat too much food, I'll end up becoming fat, and Arthur doesn't want a fat boyfriend. I'm not good at school work and I have no set in stone plans for a career. I'm useless! I can't even kiss right!" I said loudly hoping the Russian would leave and go away.

Ivan grabbed me, I struggled as he pulled me in, and gave me a tight hug. His grip was like steel and I tried to escape, but my body felt weak and my mind was recalling all of the negative commented I have ever received. It was like a spiral and I felt lost in it. I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow and I'm trying my darnest to hold back cause someone is here. My lips were bleeding, eyes closed tightly trying to stop those tears, and get a hold of myself because someone is here. I'm not alone and I don't want anyone seeing me in such a horrible state.

"Let it all out." Ivan said quietly and just like that I was a complete sobbing mess when he told me those four little words.

"I'm useless, worthless, hopeless, an idiot, can't do anything right, say hero too much, not a good kisser, not good enough at school, and-"

"It will be okay."

"No it won't be okay, Ivan. Want to know something?"

"What is it, Alfred?"

"At times I want to kill myself so that no one would have to deal with me. I just can't bring myself to actually over dose on pills or cut myself or anything. I'm not a hero cause I can't do everyone a favor and die."

I was hiccupping, gasping, tears spilling on Ivan's neck, and he held onto me rubbing my back in comforting circles. I lost track of time and my tears have stopped for a little while until I recalled those memories. Arthur telling me 'I love you', how me and him use to kiss, and how he use to say such nice things to me untile he broke up with me & left me that sheet of paper filled with...

"Alfred, Time will heal all wounds. It will be okay. I'll be there for you from now on."

",but I want to give up and just end the pain. I have try so hard, but no one notices it. I have tried my best in school, but only got average grades like C's. I try and try so much, but yet no one notices how hard I'm trying. No one believes in me even though I'm trying every single day."

Ivan held me in his strong arms, he was still rubbing my back gently, and I cried myself to sleep in his comforting arms. When I woke up in the morning. I was alone, on my bed, and under the covers. I guess either my twin or Ivan lifted me up and tucked me in. I went to school and saw Arthur making out with Francis. I started to walk away, but my hand was grabbed and it was Ivan.

"Alfred."

"I should have stayed home today."

"I'll be by your side, Alfred. They won't bother you."

Ivan held my hand, smiled at me, and dragged me. I closed my eyes and silently wondered why he won't leave me alone. We barely talked to one another in two years.

"Alfred?" Arthur asked me in a breathless voice. "I didn't think you would show up today."

"He is here, da. He didn't kill himself. Your all negative and blaming list would send weaker people to their demise." Ivan's voice was cold. My eyes were firmly closed and I didn't see anyone's expression. I didn't want to see anything. "Why did you even ask Alfred out two years ago? Why did you stay with him for so long? Was Alfred's feelings just a game for you?"

"What do you mean by negative and blaming list?" Arthur's voice sounded confused. Ivan released my wrist, he pat me on the head softly, kissed my tear stained cheeks, and I ran out of the school. Later on I found out Ivan beat Arthur and Francis to a bloody pulp. Ivan was kicked out of school. I'm on my bedroom floor and looking up at the ceiling. Thinking on how it's my fault that Ivan got kicked out.

"Alfie, I heard you talking to Ivan last night and-"

"It's my fault that Ivan got kicked out of school."

"No it's not your fault, Alfred."

"I should have stayed there with them and I could have sto-"

"It would have been no use. He would have still beat them up."

",But still-"

"It turns out Arthur asked you out because Francis dared him. If you agreed then he would have to stay with you for two years, but if it lasted shorter than two years he would have lost. If you didn't agree then he would have still won the dare." Matthew told me softly and he hugged me tightly. "If Ivan had not beat them up…Then I sure as hell-"

"So Arthur didn't love me. I should have known for who could ever love me?"

"Alfred, I know there is someone who loves you for you."

"Who?"

I pulled out Matthew's hug and stood up looked down at him for a minute. I firmly wiped my eyes, took a deep breath, and sat on my bed looking at my still wrecked door. It's going to be a pain to fix it. Why did Ivan have to break it?

"Hello, Alfred. I will be fixing your door since I broke it, da."

It's funny for whenever I think about Ivan…He shows up in almost no time. It's like he is a mind reader or something similar. Maybe it's fate? Then again I had thought it was fate when Arthur asked me out two years old, but turns out it was just a dare and he didn't love me. At least I didn't give into Arthur when he asked 'Want to have sex' and I guess it was because the deadline was nearing. At least I didn't lose my virginity. Sometimes I really do want to give up, but I'm not the type to give up even when I want to give up. I have tried hard to give up, but my mind and body refuses. A couple of times I tried to slit my wrists when I was really depressed and recalling things, but my hand refuses to move and the knife slips to the floor. One time I tried swallowing down a bottle of pills, but almost all of them dropped to the floor and I put the pills back inside of that bottle. I barely noticed when my twin left, but Ivan remained and looked at me with those violet eyes.

"Violence doesn't solve anything." I told him and closed my blue eyes.

"That is correct, but sometimes it makes a person feel better." Ivan told me. His hands were on my cheeks and I sighed to myself. "You have been crying."

"I'm an emotional wreck. Two years of being fooled that someone actually loves me. Two years of thinkg Arthur and me would always be together, but it was just a cruel lie. I was so stupi-"

"You are not stupid, Alfred."

"I should have-"

"Should haves, what if's, and what could have I done is self-destruction. Think of the here and now, Alfred." Ivan whispered into my ear and I had my arms wrapped around his shoulders.

"Why do you care? You and me hardly even talked to one another in two years."

"I will always be here for you, Alfred."

"Ivan, I want my heart to stop hurting."

I was shocked when Ivan kissed me on the lips, his arms wrapped around my upper back, and after a moment looked me in the eyes.

"To help a hurting heart is to fill it up with new love, da."

_**Please Review and Thank You.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**_I Do Not Own Axis Powers Hetalia. This chapter is in Ivan's Point Of View._**

**_I Want To Give Up_**

**_By Waterrain_**

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><p>I have always loved Alfred Jones. I slowly fell in love with him after being friends with him for about two years. I never could summon up the courage to inform him of my feelings toward him. I should have known someone might come along and ask him, but I never guessed that Alfred's reply would be 'Yes'.<p>

Alfred Jones and Arthur Kirkland became boyfriends. It was too much to watch my dear Alfred being with someone else. I became distant and Alfred didn't seem to notice for he has Kirkland… Two years passed by without me noticing for my sense of time seemed to be shut off for Alfred is with another.

I found out from Alfred's twin brother Matthew that Arthur broke up with Alfred. How dare that bastard break up with Alfred! If anything Alfred should have broken up with Kirkland. I'm sure my dear Alfred feels depressed and wondering if he did something wrong.

Alfred has always had a little bit of a problem with his self-esteem and self-worth. Yes, He laughs a lot. Yes, He smiles a lot. Yes, He talks loudly. He cares a lot about what others think of him even though at times he pretends not to care. From time to time those pretty sapphire eyes hold worry, doubt, and wonder. Worry if he did something or say something wrong. Doubt in if he did or said the correct thing. Wonder if anyone hates or loves him.

He hides behind his laughter, smiles, and loudness. I have known him for years and I'm not going to take any chances for sometimes when a person has been dumped they….

I broke down Alfred's bedroom door. His beautiful blue eyes blood-shot, tears running down those cheeks, hiccupping, blood running down his lips, and he looks like a complete wreck.

Of course Alfred yelled me and he wanted me to go away, but I refused and gave him a tight hug. I'm not going to leave him or try to distance myself away from him ever again.

"Let it all out." I said quietly to him and he no longer held back.

"It will be okay." I told him in a comforting voice and he shook his head at me.

"No it won't be okay, Ivan. Want to know something?" He asked me and I asked him 'What is it, Alfred?'. I have known him for a long time, but I had no idea that he wanted to kill himself. I had no clue. I knew his issues with self-esteem and self-worth, but I did not think he would want to take his own life.

I comforted him to the best of my ability. Eventually he fell asleep, I picked him up, and tucked him into bed. Safe and sound.

In the morning went to school. I found Alfred and he looked a bit distressed. Kirkland and Francis are bluntly making out in the hallway. I grabbed Alfred's hand, he looked at me, and his shoulders looked a bit slumped.

"Alfred."

"I should have stayed home today."

No, Kirkland and Francis should not be making out in the hallway. It is against school rules to be kissing in school. Holding hands is okay, but no kissing or making out or having sex is allowed on school grounds.

"I'll be by your side, Alfred. They won't bother you." I commented calmly. Of course if they dare bother you then they shall be punished.

"Alfred?" Kirkland asked in a breathless voice. "I didn't think you would show up today."

Why did that bastard not think Alfred would show up? Did he think that Alfred would kill himself or transfer to another school or be unable to show up for a couple of days due to heart-break?

"He is here, da. He didn't kill himself. Your all negative and blaming list would send weaker people to their demise." My voice was colder than Winter time in my homeland, Russia. "Why did you even ask Alfred out two years ago? Why did you stay with him for so long? Was Alfred's feelings just a game for you?"

"What do you mean by negative and blaming list?" Arthur's voice sounded confused. I let go of Alfred's wrist, I softly pat him on the head, kissed his tear stained cheeks, and afterwards Alfred ran away.

"All that are left are villains, da." I commented cheerfully while shoving Kirkland and Francis against the lockers. "Alfred is kind, sweet, and quite the forgiving hero. Good thing he has me on his side. For an innocent hero that wants to be loved against two dirty little no good villains is rather unfair. A cold, cruel, and unforgiving villian against two skinny villians is fair."

"Kirkland, Why did you ask Alfred to be your boyfriend?" I asked calmly and still firmly had them both against the locker. Alfred has rubbed off on me a bit with his talk of hero's and villians over the years...

"Because Francis dared me." Kirkland gasped out. I faintly smiled and pressed them harder against the locker.

"If he dared you to kill yourself would you kill yourself? If he dared you to kill someone would you murder someone because a dare? If he dared you to rape someone would you do it?" I asked coldly, my body felt cold with rage, and I'm very tempted to kill them. "Dares are silly and only those lacking free will or wish to blame someone else do them."

I beat Kirkland and Francis to a bloody pulp. I was expelled from school, but my only regret is that I will no longer to go to the same school with Alfred.

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><p><strong><em>Please Review and Thank You.<em>**


	3. Chapter 3

**_I Do Not Own Axis Powers Hetalia. This chapter is in Ivan's Point Of View._**

**_I Want To Give Up_**

**_By Waterrain_**

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><p>I walked inside of Alfred's bedroom. I have not forgotten on how I broke his door and I'm going to fix it since I destroyed it.<p>

"Hello, Alfred. I will be fixing your door since I broke it, da." I commented calmly and Matthew walked out.

"Violence doesn't solve anything." Alfred told me and he closed those beautiful eyes, but it was in vain for I already noticed his puffy eyes. Victory, Isolation, Opera, Love, Ego, Negation, Corpses, and Equal.

Victory happens during a fight, but there is always loses on each side. It is about who suffered the least amount of loses.

Isolation occurs at times when a person is the best at being violent and acting on their violence urges of beating people up to keep their blood-lust levels low.

Opera singing is what goes through my mind at times when I'm beating people up.

Ego is not a good thing to have when fighting for having too much ego can be a person's downfall.

Negotiations at times are easier after a fight.

Corpses will be on the ground, side-walk, floor, in a pool, and several other locations if the violence goes too far.

Equal violence at times does not occur, but all people are equal in the end for everyone dies.

"That is correct, but sometimes it makes a person feel better." I said softly while putting my hands on his damp cheeks. "You have been crying."

"I'm an emotional wreck. Two years of being fooled that someone actually loves me. Two years of thinking Arthur and me would always be together, but it was just a cruel lie. I was so stupi-"

"You are not stupid, Alfred." I stated firmly.

"I should have-"

"Should haves, what if's, and what could have I done is self-destruction. Think of the here and now, Alfred." I whispered into his right ear, his arms wrapped around my shoulders, and I really do wish to help him.

"Why do you care? You and me hardly even talked to one another in two years." He said in a low voice. I held him a bit tighter and remained quiet for a moment.

"I will always be here for you, Alfred." I promised him and he looked at me with such vulnerable eyes that it pulled at my heart strings. Never before has he looked so very vulnerable, fragile, and I will keep my promise to him.

"Ivan, I want my heart to stop hurting."

I kissed him on the lips, my arms around his upper back, and after a moment looked into Alfred's eyes hoping he understands..

"To help a hurting heart is to fill it up with new love, da." I informed him and kissed him on the left cheek. I'm determined to heal Alfred's broken heart with my pure love that I hold towards him. This is my chance to show Alfred how much I care about him and how much I love him.

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><p><strong><em>Please Review and Thank You.<em>**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Do Not Own Axis Powers Hetalia. This chapter is in Alfred's Point Of View._**

**_I Want To Give Up_**

**_By Waterrain_**

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><p>I pulled away from Ivan after a couple of minutes; he smiled at me, and tilted his head to the right side.<p>

"I want to be upfront about this so that you will not call me a tease or anything…"

"I wouldn't call you a tease, Alfred. Did he call you a tease?"

"Yes a few times even though I told him from the very start about my plan of waiting until the night of gradation to have sex. He even called it romantic and adorable." I replied quietly, Ivan hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek.

"Let's go out on a date." Ivan whispered into my ear and that really tickled. "Do you want to have some fun?"

"I bet I look ugly right now."

"You never look ugly to me, Alfred. I recall when I first met you there were some pimples on your face. I didn't find you ugly at all." Ivan told me and he held my hand. "Is it difficult to get pimples?"

"No, It's not difficult. I had to use a lot of different stuff to get rid of those little villains." I replied firmly, puffed out my cheeks, and looked at him. "Once a person gets acne it's a bitch to get rid of it. I was cursed with face acne a week after I hit puberty. Wouldn't have minded it if it had been back acne, but no it had to be right there on my face for the world to see. A few peeps made fun of me and called me pizza face, but a couple of months later they got pimples too."

"So far I have not gained any pimples." Ivan informed me. He is pretty luck and I touched his cheeks.

"I never really noticed before, but you have pretty soft cheeks." I commented calmly, his cheeks turned a faint pink of pink, and it was cute. "So no zits have tainted your face."

"Correct." Ivan said to me. I touched his lips with my index finger and smiled at him. Ivan's lips feel like silk.

"How many peeps have you kissed on the lips? How many have kissed you?" I asked curiously, his cheeks became pinker, and those violet eyes widen slightly for about a second.

"One. How many people have kissed you, Alfred?"

"Six….,but four of those six do not count because it probably has to deal with their culture or something. The first was a South Korean boy, at the time I was eight, he was seven, and after a year he went back to South Korea. The second was an Italian boy, at the time I was nine, he was eight, and after a year he moved away. The third was a Spaniard boy, at the time I was ten, he was twelve, and after a year he moved away. The fourth was a Mexican boy, at the time I was eleven, he was ten, and after a year he went back to Mexico." I informed him. Of course I did not say the names of said boys for it doesn't take a genius to tell that Ivan looks like he wants to harm the boys that kissed me in the past. I regret bringing up the topic of kissing, but I was a bit curious if Ivan had kissed anyone or had been kissed.

"Did those boys kiss you on the lips?"

"Yes." I replied calmly.

"Did those four boys give you a kiss every day?"

"Yes."

"About 1460." Ivan muttered into my ear, his cold hand was on my left cheek, and he kissed me on the ear. I let out a squeak which was really embarrassing, but hey no one not even Arthur has ever kissed my ear. I feel as if my cheeks are on fire and Ivan smiled at me before saying something in Russian. I have no idea what he said, but after a moment he kissed my nose and stood up.

"Do you want to go on a date with me tonight, Alfred?" He asked me and I nodded my head before standing up.

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><p><strong><em>Please Review and Thank You.<em>**


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